Resolving Inner Conflict: A Different Way to Respond
As I sat down to write about resolving inner conflict, I immediately found myself in one.
The purpose of the article was simple. I wanted to help you recognize polarized parts and support them in relaxing so you can respond with clarity and leadership rather than reaction.
Two real-life examples immediately came to mind.
And just as quickly, I felt my body react.
Pressure rose in my veins. My chest tightened. Anxiety surfaced. An impulse to pull back appeared.
If I wrote about those examples, the people involved would know I was talking about them. They might feel blamed. They might talk about me behind my back. They might say I was difficult, immature, unevolved, or playing the victim. Readers might judge me. They might decide I lacked awareness. They might stop reading altogether.
All of that happened within seconds.
I had intended to write about inner conflict. Instead, I was inside one.
Noticing the Polarization
One part of me wanted to write honestly and use real experiences to make the exercise compelling.
Another part wanted to protect my reputation and avoid reopening old wounds. It wanted safety. It wanted to avoid fallout. It wanted to make sure I did not expose myself or anyone else.
The more I imagined criticism, the stronger my physical reaction became. Fear. Tension. An urge to retreat.
When I slowed down, I asked myself what was actually at risk.
Reputation. Credibility. Being misunderstood.
And underneath that, something more vulnerable.
If they judged me, what would that mean?
It would mean I had not progressed as much as I thought.
It would mean I still had blind spots.
It would mean I was a fraud.
That feeling did not feel current. It felt adolescent. Like I did not belong. Like I needed to blend in to be accepted. Like being exposed meant being unloved.
That younger version of me needed to know I was loved just as I was, even with my blind spots and imperfections.
Listening Instead of Suppressing
In the past, I might have pushed the fear aside and either written defensively or avoided writing altogether.
This time, I stayed with it.
I noticed something important. I do not currently blame anyone involved in those past situations. Blame certainly showed up during those dilemmas. But I do not hold it now.
What I recognize now is that my experience was mine. What I chose to do in those moments was the best I could do given my level of inner safety and clarity at the time.
As I acknowledged that, something shifted.
My body softened. The pressure dropped. The anxiety reduced. The internal tension eased.
The parts that were bracing began to relax.
From that calmer place, the decision became clear.
I did not need to expose anyone to tell the truth about inner conflict. I could tell the story that was happening right now.
So I decided to write this.
Inner Conflict Is an Opportunity
Inner conflict is not evidence that something is wrong with you.
It is evidence that parts of you care deeply about something.
When those parts clash, many of us try to play small. We hold back. We suppress. We avoid. We try to eliminate the discomfort as quickly as possible.
There is another way.
You can lean into the conflict with compassionate curiosity.
When you listen instead of suppress, fear softens. Insight emerges. You gain access to steadiness and clarity that were not available in the middle of the clash.
This is what it feels like when more Self-energy is present. And from that place, you can lead your internal system rather than being driven by it.
Addressing inner conflict in this way leaves you with one less thing to hide. And that brings freedom and ease.
The Exercise
Use this exercise to recognize polarized parts and support them in relaxing so you can respond with clarity and leadership.
At times, different parts of you use strategies that clash. When those strategies conflict, they create tension, confusion, and overwhelm. These are polarized parts.
When you are caught in the middle of them, there is little room for clarity. If you cannot separate from them, you will react from the conflict rather than respond from grounded leadership.
Step 1
Think of a recent situation when you felt conflicted.
Example:
As I began writing this article, two real examples came to mind that felt too risky to share.
Step 2
Describe the internal conflict.
Example:
One part of me wanted to write honestly and use real experiences.
Another part feared being judged, criticized, or misunderstood.
When I imagined writing openly, I felt anxiety and physical tension.
When I imagined staying vague, I felt constrained and inauthentic.
Step 3
Identify the two parts that had the most at stake.
Example:
One part wants to tell the truth and write something meaningful.
One part wants to protect my reputation and prevent criticism.
Often, opposing parts are both trying to protect something vulnerable. When you spend time getting to know them, they may begin to relax.
Step 4
Ask each part, one at a time, to give you space so you can hear from the other without interruption.
If a part refuses, ask:
What are you concerned about?
Is there something I can reassure or address?
Then ask each part:
What feels important to you about this situation?
What are you afraid might happen if I do not follow your wishes?
What do you need, regardless of what I decide?
If I address your concerns, would you be willing to relax?
Step 5
If both parts agree they can relax once their concerns are addressed, spend time finding ways to meet those needs.
If either part refuses, plan to spend more time getting to know it.
Cheat Sheet: Resolving Inner Conflict
When you feel conflicted:
Name the situation.
Identify the two polarized parts.
Notice what happens in your body.
Ask each part what it fears and needs.
Look for what they are protecting.
Address concerns before deciding.
Decide from clarity, not pressure.
Inner conflict is not a problem to eliminate.
It is an opportunity to lead.
