How to Regain Choice When You’re Triggered
When you are defensive, hurt, surprised, afraid, or angry, it can feel like there is no choice.
Thoughts feel convincing.
Emotions feel urgent.
The body tightens.
Impulses push for action.
In those moments, reactions happen automatically.
But automatic does not mean inevitable.
There is a path back to choice. And like any skill, it requires practice.
Byron Katie teaches that we suffer because we believe thoughts that argue with reality. Internal Family Systems offers a complementary understanding. We suffer because burdened parts blend with us and temporarily run the system.
Both perspectives highlight something essential. Insight alone does not reduce suffering. Knowing why we react is not enough. We need a practical process for what to do when reactivity takes over.
What follows is a step-by-step protocol you can practice whenever you are triggered.
Step 1: Notice That You Are Suffering
The first step is simple but powerful.
Notice that you are suffering.
Not that someone else is wrong.
Not that a boundary was crossed.
Not that you need to defend yourself.
Notice the internal state.
If you are tight, urgent, bracing, preparing to attack, preparing to withdraw, or mentally building a case, something automatic is happening.
Say internally:
“I am suffering right now.”
“I am reacting automatically.”
This shifts attention from the external situation to the internal process.
That shift opens the door to choice.
Step 2: Pause Into Presence
Once you notice suffering, pause.
Presence is what allows unblending.
Slow down and observe:
What thoughts are present?
What emotions are here?
What sensations are in my body?
What do I feel compelled to do?
What inner conflict is happening?
This noticing can only happen in presence. And presence creates space.
Instead of being angry, you begin noticing anger.
Instead of being afraid, you begin noticing fear.
That shift marks the beginning of unblending.
Step 3: Recognize What Is Happening
When you are suffering or reacting automatically, a burdened part has blended with you and taken over to some degree.
This is not a defect. It is how the internal system protects itself.
Parts step in to prevent harm, manage discomfort, defend against threat, or protect vulnerability.
Say internally:
“A burdened part is running me right now.”
Then ask:
“Do I want that to continue, or do I want to offer Self-leadership?”
Step 4: List Your Options
Even when you are triggered, you have options.
You could:
Let the part continue running you.
Suppress or push the part away.
Pause and tend to the part.
Ask if the part is willing to let you respond and offer to return to it.
Delay the conversation.
Set a boundary.
Say nothing and process internally.
Listing options interrupts the illusion of inevitability.
You are not trapped in one path.
Step 5: Choose to Unblend
If you decide to offer Self-leadership, return to what you observed in Step 2.
Name the parts that were influencing you.
Be specific:
The part generating angry thoughts.
The part holding fear in the chest.
The part pushing to defend.
The part wanting to withdraw.
The part trying to manage the emotional intensity.
Choose one part to focus on, preferably one attempting to manage the emotional charge.
Instead of trying to change it, build a relationship with it.
Approach it with compassion and curiosity.
Not to eliminate it.
Not to silence it.
Not to overpower it.
But to understand it.
As you relate to it this way, it begins to feel understood rather than opposed. Other parts notice that something inside cares rather than criticizes.
Safety increases.
And when safety increases, choice expands.
Why Practice Matters
When parts are blended and running the system, agency narrows.
When parts feel understood, they relax.
When they relax, more Self-energy becomes available.
With repetition, parts become more willing to use this protocol instead of managing discomfort through automatic reactions.
Choice becomes more accessible.
Not because you forced it.
Because you built internal trust.
The Choice Cheat Sheet
When you are triggered, remember:
When I am suffering or reacting automatically, a burdened part has blended with me and taken over to some degree.
Then practice:
Notice the suffering.
Pause into presence.
Observe thoughts, emotions, sensations, impulses.
Recognize a part is blended.
Decide whether to offer Self-leadership.
List available options.
If choosing unblending, name the part and build a compassionate relationship with it.
Then look for opportunities to practice.
Practice when mildly activated.
Practice in small moments.
Practice before the reaction escalates.
That is how the path to choice becomes reliable.
