Unappreciated

Jim has three children, a full family calendar, and a business that sometimes prospers and sometimes struggles.

When business is steady, life feels manageable. The bills are paid. The household runs. The pressure stays quiet in the background.

But when business slows, something shifts.

The monthly expenses don’t change. The commitments don’t change. The responsibilities don’t change. What changes is the tightening in Jim’s chest as he begins calculating what might happen if the numbers don’t recover.

This isn’t new for him. There have been other seasons when income dipped and debt climbed. Even before he was married, he remembers waking in the middle of the night, thinking about money. It doesn’t take much for that old current of fear to come back online.

Jim tries to talk with his wife about his concerns. When he brings up cutting back or adjusting plans, she hears control. The conversations stall. They retreat from each other. What began as a practical discussion becomes something else entirely.

Jim feels caught between two longings. He wants connection. He also feels deeply responsible for holding everything together.

At night, he lies awake replaying scenarios in his mind. If revenue drops further, what can be reduced? What must stay? What if the worst happens? The more he thinks, the more urgent it feels. The more urgent it feels, the more alone he becomes inside it.

Underneath the calculations, another layer begins to surface.

There is anger about carrying so much responsibility without feeling understood. Anger about working hard and not feeling appreciated. Fear about failing. Fear about losing what matters most. Fear about not having real power to change the situation.

And beneath even that, something quieter. Hurt. A sense of being unseen.

Other voices move in quickly.

One criticizes him for feeling overwhelmed. Another insists he needs to take decisive action immediately. Another warns him not to rock the boat and risk more distance at home.

The responsible part of him keeps working. It tightens its grip. It pushes harder. It tries to solve what feels unsolvable.

If someone were to slow Jim down and ask him what this responsible part needs most, he might notice something surprising.

Not praise.

Not reassurance.

Something simpler.

To be seen.
To be recognized.
To be understood.

And when that happens—even briefly—something in his body softens. The pressure doesn’t disappear. The numbers don’t change. But the experience shifts. The part that has been carrying everything alone is no longer invisible.

A pause for reflection

As you read Jim’s story, you may have recognized something familiar. Or you may not have. Either is fine.

One thread in his experience was appreciation. Not flattery. Not agreement. Something more basic. Being seen for what he was carrying.

The invitation below is simply to notice how this theme shows up in your own life.

There is no need to force insight or reach a conclusion. You can move slowly, skip questions, or stop at any point.

Exercise: Appreciation

Bring to mind a time when you felt unappreciated. This might be recent or from further back. Let whatever comes naturally be enough.

Describe the situation.
What was happening? What did you notice inside as it unfolded?

Notice how you reacted to feeling unappreciated.
What shifted internally? What shifted in your behavior?

What did you do, or stop doing?
What did you say, or stop saying?

If you pause for a moment, what do you sense you wanted to be appreciated for?

Now gently turn inward.

Notice the parts that react when appreciation feels absent.

Notice any parts that work hard to earn appreciation, protect against its absence, or manage the pain of not receiving it.

Without trying to address everything at once, see if one part stands out as wanting your attention first.

You don’t need to change it or fix it. Simply notice what it’s like to acknowledge its presence.

You may find that nothing clear emerges right away. You may also find that several parts become visible at once. Either experience is welcome. This exercise is about becoming more aware of your internal experience.

A gentle next step (optional)

If, as you work with this exercise, you notice a part that feels especially activated or wants more attention, you may find it helpful to have support as you explore it.

You may also choose to simply notice what came up and return to it another time.

Some people find it helpful to spend time with a part like this with the support of an IFS practitioner. If that feels right for you, here are a few options:

Work with someone from the Parts Work Practice Team:
https://www.partsworkpractice.com/professional-services

Find an IFS practitioner through the IFS Institute:
www.IFS-Institute.com/practitioners

If you prefer to continue on your own for now, you can also use the Protector Exploration Guide, which offers gentle, permission-based questions for getting to know protective parts at your own pace:

Download the Protector Exploration Guide:
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/690ab817b074e44c978a7125/t/692259f9b4d0d63e3066b388/1763858937870/ProtectorExploration%2BGuide%2BV1.7.pdf