Reclaiming the Real You: Letting Go of Old Manuals
In the first article of this series, Recovery of the Authentic Self, The Manual We Enherited, we explored the birth of the shame identity. We looked at how early experiences can plant the belief that something is wrong with us. The second article, Awakening From the Dream, describes how we followed that belief into a kind of dream state, where we lose touch with our authentic Self and begin living from roles we never consciously chose. This third article is about what comes next. What does it take to wake up fully and reclaim who you truly are? And how do we begin to release the internal “manuals” that no longer serve us, so we can respond to life from a place that is grounded, real, and self-energized?
Roles and Instructions
Each of us carries invisible instructions. These aren’t written down or handed to us directly, but we still absorb them. They are shaped by the reactions of caregivers, teachers, peers, and the culture around us. They quietly teach us who we need to be in order to stay safe, accepted, or valued.
Most of us never question the instructions. We internalize them so early and so deeply that they start to feel like the truth. But these instructions are not the truth. They are survival strategies that helped us adapt to our environment. They were written for a younger version of us who didn’t yet have access to the awareness, support, or choices we may have today.
At one time, these instructions served us. But eventually, they start to limit us. They tell us to stay quiet, try harder, avoid conflict, or always be strong. They keep us in roles that once made sense but no longer reflect who we are.
What IFS Shows Us About These Roles
Internal Family Systems (IFS) gives us a compassionate way to understand these roles. In IFS, we see these internal instructions as living inside protective parts. These are the parts that manage, control, perfect, avoid, withdraw, achieve, or people-please. They follow the old instructions because they believe they are still essential for our survival.
These parts are not the enemy. They have worked tirelessly on our behalf. But many of our parts are stuck in the past. They don’t realize that we are no longer children, and that the circumstances that shaped those instructions may no longer apply.
IFS invites us to befriend these parts. To listen to their concerns. To understand and appreciate their intentions. And then, from a calmer and more connected place inside, we can begin to ask: Are these instructions still necessary? Are they still true?
When these parts feel heard and understood, they begin to soften. They don’t have to work so hard. As they relax, we begin to remember who we are. And we begin to realize we have b
Living From What’s True Now
Letting go of the old operating manual does not mean rejecting everything we’ve learned or suddenly becoming unfiltered. It means becoming present enough to notice when we are reacting from outdated beliefs and fears.
This can be disorienting at first. The old roles feel familiar. They are deeply rehearsed. We may find ourselves slipping back into them, especially when we are tired, scared, or overwhelmed.
