The Manual We Inherited

The Manual

We all have a sort of operating manual with a troubleshooting guide for life. The manual is developed throughout our lifetime as we learn. It informs how we perceive and react to the events and circumstances of our lives.

Our families and communities teach us what is important, what is safe, what is right, and what is valuable. They show us how to operate in the world; how to live our lives. We are warned about what is dangerous and what is wrong. We learn how to act in ways that avoid rejection, criticism, and punishment, and how to earn approval, acceptance, and love.

The Dilemma

But families and communities don’t always agree about what is important, safe, right, and valuable. What earns approval in one family may invite criticism in another. What brings comfort in one household may trigger fear or shame in another.

The way our families respond to life’s challenges silently writes the rules we live by. When Dad loses his job, how does Mom react? Does she shame him? Withdraw? Support him? Do they collaborate? Or fight?

When Mom’s sister is diagnosed with cancer, how does Dad respond? Does he step up to help, or does he complain about the attention Mom gives to her sister?

And how does the family communicate when life takes an unexpected turn? Are issues discussed openly, or are there secrets and taboos? 

What happens when mistakes are made? Do we still feel loved and supported? Or are we punished or ridiculed?

Does everyone in the family feel seen, known, and appreciated? When we express ourselves authentically, are we embraced with compassion? Or are we shamed?

Who has power in the family and how is that power used? 

What role does each individual in the family play?

Are all thoughts and topics welcome? What about sex and bodies? Are we allowed to feel our emotions? Is it safe to ask questions or to challenge discrepancies in what is being taught about how we should be and what is modeled? 

As children, we assume what is true at home is true everywhere. But as we begin to interact with others outside the home, we realize that different families live by different rules and values. This creates a dilemma: if we are right, then others must be wrong. The clash of belief systems can lead to disconnection - both from others and, over time, from ourselves.

The Power of Belief

“Anytime I argue with reality, I suffer - but only 100% of the time.”

-Byron Katie

We perceive the events and circumstances of our lives through the lens of our operating manual. This lens doesn’t see the truth; it shows us what we came to believe - what we were taught and what we accepted as the truth.

Our beliefs shape our thoughts, our thoughts inform our feelings, and our feelings drive our actions. When our beliefs are misaligned with reality, we suffer. But rather than recognizing our lens is blurred and cleaning it, we tend to defend our perspective.

Our beliefs helped us feel safe and avoid scary, confusing, and painful experiences as children. Our beliefs helped us have a sense of belonging. But those same beliefs can sabotage us as adults.

Adaptations (Strategies)

As children, we developed diff that helped us survive and thrive. Some of us learned that by being pleasant and undemanding, we gained favor and avoided painful consequences in our families and at school. Some of us learned that performance and achievement helped earn approval and acceptance. Some of us didn’t feel safe in our homes, so we learned to become invisible - we stopped expressing our needs to avoid drawing attention to ourselves. 

A child who stayed quiet to avoid conflict may grow into an adult afraid to speak up at work. A child who learned to achieve to gain approval may become an adult who can’t rest without feeling guilty. A child who learned to please others and discount their own needs feels resentful, frustrated, and unappreciated in their adult relationships.

As adults, many of our childhood strategies become maladaptations. They once protected us; now they limit us.

Rewriting Your Operating Manual

A more useful operating manual would be one that reflects who we are rather than how to survive childhood.

Fortunately, our operating manuals can be rewritten. When we loosen our grip on old beliefs and allow reality to guide us instead, suffering eases. That leaves us with more energy, more joy, and more access to an inner guidance system that operates with wisdom, curiosity, and compassion.

Rewriting your manual will mean letting go of who you are afraid you are, letting go of who you try to be to hide who you think you are, and remembering who you really are. Your updated manual will reflect your authentic Self.

The Recovery Journey

What if life could be different? What if you didn’t have to manage your suffering so much? What if fear, worry, resentment, shame, and hurt didn’t run your life?

For years, I thought recovery meant fixing myself. I thought I was recovering from an addiction to alcohol and other drugs. The longer I stayed sober, the more I worked on recovering from defects and shortcomings. I thought recovery meant trying to change what was wrong with me - going to war with myself to become “good.”

But I’ve learned that what I was recovering from wasn’t my badness or my addictions. What had been framed as shortcomings and defects were, in fact, adaptations to trauma. Trauma - the unresolved and unhealed past, I finally realized, is what there was to recover from. 

Rather than adapting to accommodate the unhealed past, I needed to recover from it. Rather than committing all my energy and resources to avoiding a repeat of the painful past, I could now invest in the healing process.

Recovery would mean addressing the belief system that left me disconnected from myself and others. 

Recovery, I discovered, is about remembering. Remembering who I am and have always been, despite all I’ve done and all I’ve failed to do. Recovery means living more as my authentic Self, and less as who I am afraid I am, or who I think I have to be.

Now that I was clear about what I was recovering FROM, I needed to understand what was being RECOVERED. To recover means to return to wholeness. To recover means returning to who we really are. What is being recovered is the authentic Self, who we were before all the strategies and adaptations to hide and compensate for who we came to believe we were.

What’s Next

The Authentic Self Series consists of several articles about what it takes to recover the true, authentic Self. If you’re interested in this conversation, stay tuned. Subscribe to my newsletter if you haven’t already.

In the next article, we’ll look at how these old manuals show up in daily life - and how to recognize the false identities we’ve been carrying.