Safe Enough To Be You

Bill: So in today's episode, we're gonna talk about safety. And how important it is to feel the internal safety before we can be our authentic selves, be the true you. And, uh, it was an interesting conversation. of course we ended up talking about IFS when it comes to talking about, internal safety. I don't know a better tool than than I the IFS model. I make reference to my Compassionate Results guidebook and an exercise or two exercises that you'll find in therefore actually practicing, creating internal safety.

Marty: this is an extremely valuable conversation because it's about that very space where we, we are not. as in charge as we'd like to be of our response, right? It's easy when everything's going hunky dory to be your true self or when all of the hubbub has calmed down, but in that space in the middle, and that's what we're talking about

Bill: So I hope you enjoy the episode.

Marty: Welcome everyone to a new episode of the Tru You podcast. I'm Martin Kettle Hut I've got a new book out on leadership, leadership as relation, and I'm joined by my partner in the podcast, um, bill

Bill: Hi everybody.

Marty: Tell him what you

Bill: Oh.

Marty: I write books on leadership. What

Bill: Well, I'm a writer too. I'm a trainer. I'm a coach, I'm a husband. I'm a grandpa . I'm a, a compassionate results coach and I run my own company called Compassionate Results Coaching. and I, I work with people using the internal family systems model to help them work with their internal, uh, influences so that those influences are aligned with whatever those people want to accomplish in their lives. And, uh, oftentimes we find that they are not, which is what creates the difficulties in achieving and accomplishing anything or keeping, keeping change moving forward. So I've found that using the IFS model, my clients are able to sustain the changes that we make. That they make when we work together.

Marty: Very good, very good. Let me say a word then about the leadership that I coach is and write about. It's not about, like a formula for how you could be a leader, but unfortunately I don't provide a formula. But it's about what it's like to be in a relationship that empowers other people. So that's a little bit about what to expect

Bill: And it sounds like that's the style, and I know you will, so I know that this is true, that that's the style of leadership that you coach people in

Marty: Exactly.

Bill: relationship based leadership.

Marty: Right. So if somebody comes to me and I need to be a stronger leader, I don't, I don't like make them stronger in, in the sense that

Bill: You don't train them to have stronger leadership skills.

Marty: I train them in how to interact with people in a way that strengthens the people that they're interacting with. And so those people walk away going, wow, what a leader. You know, and, and I didn't. It's not because I sent the guy who came to me for coaching to the gym to get stronger, right? It's because we worked on how he interacts with people or she interacts with people such that those people do better in life through that interaction.

Bill: You know, I was, um, listening this morning, I to the Internal Family Systems Therapy book by Richard Schwartz, second edition, and because I was. Listening to it rather than actually reading it. I can't tell you what page to go to, but what you just now said. re reminded me of something that he said this morning when he was talking about the qualities, uh, and the resources of, of self. And one of the words he considered using when he, uh, originally pinned the eight Cs that are, that are used to identify the qualities and resources of self was the word charisma. And I'm trying to remember exactly what he said about charisma. What I do remember is that it means what it means. Do you, do you know what it's actual meaning of charisma? Is I, this isn't a test, I'm asking for help,

Marty: well, what, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about the original. I was thinking about my first coach, what he said

Bill: or what did he say?

Marty: He said, charisma is when people interact with you and out of it, feel so much better about themselves and what they say walking out is, gosh, that guy has so

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I just now looked it up, and this is very similar to what, uh, Richard Schwartz is saying about us too, is s charismatic describes someone who possesses a compelling charm that inspires devotion and others making them influential and attractive leaders. So that's what I thought of. Whatever language you just used to describe what you do is what prompted that. So if that's the way you want people to think about it. That's the mission accomplished. Mm-hmm. Yeah,

Marty: you. Well, what do you think? I mean, you enter, you are training people to be leaders day.

Bill: I am. I actually don't lead with that idea, but the truth is that when. People use the IFS model in a way that lets go of results, outcome control, and manipulation, and, and, and simply just recognizes that by building relationship with themselves. A different kind of relationship with themselves than maybe what they've had before, before they gain access to all those Cs that Richard Source was writing about and I listened to this morning. And when they do, they develop the, the charisma and internal charisma where their own parts now feel like they, uh, they're charmed. They, they, they recognize the compassion and they become more aligned with whatever. As the true you that client feels is the direction to go in their lives, their parts are much, much more aligned with that

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Bill: and then that,

Marty: I, and, and I would say, I mean, it works both ways. In fact, like I find my inner teenager a lot more attractive now. spend time with

Bill: yeah.

Marty: come to understand why he likes to watch hate attainment in the evening. I just had a conversation with him, like, why, why is it that after dinner you always wanna turn on, you know, and, and watch these YouTube videos of people that are doing things to our country? You know? Why do you wanna

Bill: Yeah. Yeah.

Marty: You know, anyway, I don't need to recount the whole conversation, but I've come to appreciate him, like there's a certain charm there. I see what

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's the, that's a really cool thing that, that, that our parts are, are, um, doing what they do because they have something they're trying to accomplish,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: they're doing it based on information that they have. And often if there's a problem, it's because the, the parts are operating from information that's limited or even erroneous. It's not even accurate. So by, by, um, being patient enough with ourselves to build love-based relationships, trust-based relationships with the PO parts of us that are misaligned with our true vision, uh, we begin to really appreciate what, what's, what's at stake for them, what they're trying to accomplish. And through, in, through, in, in the course of developing that relationship, the part then. Becomes open and willing to listen to what we might have to offer that would give them a different reframing or a different perspective on, on what it is that they're doing and why they're doing it.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, and one of the aspects of that, one of the most important aspects of that charisma that we can have, not only for our parts, but then also for our family and the people we work with, is. That we build a safe environment for them to just be themselves, to be their true you.

Bill: Well, and there's our topic for today.

Marty: How did that happen?

Bill: Very nice. Yeah. So just before we hit record today, we were, we were just catching up with each other. Marty and I, we both have lots of plates spinning and balls juggling in the air and different, lots of, lots of moving parts. And, uh, as we often do, we'll check in with each other before we hit record just so that we can, we can show up as our true you and, and, and just so those parts of us that are busy doing. Concerning themselves with things other than recording a podcast episode can relax. Knowing that we haven't forgotten them and, and that their agendas are important too, but that during this time we are here to talk about a particular topic. So once, once we kind of had caught up with each other, then we, then the question was, well, what are we gonna talk about today? Neither one of 'em said prepared anything, and we didn't have anything on the schedule for what there is to talk about. And you brought something up that I. From that distilled a theme, which is Yeah, safe. Safe enough to be who you really are, to be your authentic self, to be the true you. Yeah. Would it be valuable, would it be, um, useful for you to maybe summarize what you were telling me that had, had me notice that theme?

Marty: Sure I'd be happy to. notice that, people in my life as well as just acquaintances are, not as able to be freely expressive of what is true for them right now. for fear. For fear that they're going to be canceled, or for fear that they're gonna just get into something too hairy that they don't wanna be, or, um, that they might be dead wrong. It's something that they didn't know. There's, there's a. There's a lot of despair about this that I, I'm picking up just at the feeling level, like, oh my gosh, you know, how, how do we get beyond this unsafety? Um, I. And, uh, and, and I'm not pointing a finger at anybody because I, I see it also in the groups, uh, where, uh, I coach like the, the CEO and, and then they hire me to work with the team as well. I see like the c like somebody on the team will say something like, uh, well, we should do it this way. And the boss, the CEO, who I've been coaching says, no. And I'm like, Ooh, that's not safe. person's not gonna, you know, no wonder there's, you know, this animosity and when, when we're in the coaching session together, you know, I can, can make all of that workable, but there's a, just like, uh, that, automatic response on the part of my client who's a dear person, that doesn't mean any harm. Right, but was in this reactive mode and felt, know, just knee jerk reaction had to say no. And that's a simple example from an innocent place of creating unsafety,

Bill: Right authoritarianism. Huh? Like my, what I say goes and what you say doesn't matter.

Marty: And I know that that's not I, I, I'm sure that I do this too, right? It's not out of a, I'm not trying to say I'm the authority and you don't count. But it, but it comes out like, it sounds like that to the

Bill: Yeah. Yeah.

Marty: right? This, this client of mine, she is not an authoritarian any means, but that reaction certainly did, you know, did not create safety.

Bill: Well, I'm, I'm guessing it created the impression that she is authoritarian.

Marty: Exactly. Very, very, very likely. Yeah. And, and, and the response then that God created was, we're gonna go to battle on this. I'm gonna fight you.

Bill: So let's talk more about what does it mean, what, why is safety needed in order to just relax into who we are and, and to, and to just authentically to be ourself. What difference does it make to have safety that makes it easier just to show up and be ourselves authentically?

Marty: Mm-hmm. It seems obvious, but why would

Bill: Well, tell me why It seems obvious.

Marty: there are so many stories even of animals, like, you know, you find a stray dog and he's mean and snippy and, and, but then once he gets to know you and, and, and how warm and that you're gonna provide for him and all of this, wow. He turns out to be a nice, cuddly guy.

Bill: So the dog in that story, was he being authentic when he, when he was being growly?

Marty: Uh, well, in, in the analogy, no, he wasn't, that's not who he needs to be.

Bill: But that's who he was in the moment. And I, and I love, I love that you would bring, uh, that kind of an example because it puts us in, in the animal world where I would assume that dogs, well, maybe dog owners would disagree with this, but that, that dogs don't run rackets. They're authentically being whoever, whoever it is that they naturally are given. The, the situation that they find themselves in.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Bill: If I'm a dog, I'm growly because I am afraid. I'm growly because I, I want to give the appearance of dominance and power. Maybe, I don't know. I've never been a dog as far as I know. I, so,

Marty: Afraid, right? Not feeling safe.

Bill: but the moment the dog feels safe, then they, they take on a different aspect of their persona of of, of who they actually are. So.

Marty: Right,

Bill: I'm thinking more in terms of, um, you know, so it's, it doesn't feel safe to be myself, so, or maybe it just doesn't feel safe to be in a space. And so if I were just to be authentic in that moment, I would probably maybe just walk away without having to take care of the person that, that I don't feel safe around, like by explaining, making up a story about why I'm walking away. Oh, I'm good. I gotta go home. I left the casserole in the oven. Just, just simply walk away, walking away or saying, you know, I, I'm feeling really uncomfortable and I, and I, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna take some space right now and, and walking away. So that, that would be a way to respond when there's fear present in an authentic way.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: are some ways to do that. Um, I'm talking more about when. When there's a performance put on, um, like I need to show up in this particular way so that I can either prevent something from happening that I don't want to have happen or so that I can bring about a result that I otherwise don't think I can bring about. So I need to perform rather than authentically be myself.

Marty: I see. Yes.

Bill: And if, if there's safety, maybe I can just ask for that. Like. Let's just say, for example, someone's got themselves a nice four wheel drive pickup and they put lift lifts on it and big wheels that stick out and they're, you know, two feet higher than than everybody else around them on the highway. And they're not consciously aware that the reason that they're doing that is because they want something or because they're trying to avoid something, but. Be because they're not consciously aware that that is kind of a racket. That, that they're engaged in investing all that money into that appearance, into that giving that, um, impression of who they are. Uh, if, if they were to look, they might see that, oh, I'm, I'm really quite scared and, and I'm afraid that, that people are gonna see me as small and indefensible. For example, so if I'm scared, there are parts of me that are going to do whatever they need to do to give the impression to, to the rest of the world that I'm, I'm somebody that shouldn't be messed with, that I'm,

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: well defended, where its safety opens up the possibility of actual connection. And connection is one of the experiences of authenticity. True connection.

Marty: Well, I'm sitting with right now is that, that those responses are so rare.

Bill: What responses?

Marty: Um, gosh, maybe the reason I bought this oversized vehicle is just to show off and, and I'm really scared that people don't

Bill: Oh,

Marty: that I'm a

Bill: you're saying what's rare is to be that aware. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Marty: or, or, gosh, I'm really feeling, you know, safe here. Maybe I should just speak up and say I'm not feeling

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Marty: that happen? it does happen and it would be great if it happened more, but

Bill: I am doing it more and more, and then there's a tremendous amount of freedom in it. And the way it sounds coming from me often, often is, you know, what I'm learning about me and, and my particular nervous system is that situations like this really aren't comfortable at all. Do you mind if instead of sitting in this coffee shop with all this noise and all these people surrounding us, that we could we just go, go for a walk for half, half an hour and talk, talk while we walk? That that would be so much better for me.

Bill: and notice how that, that sounds different than these people, you know, all these loud people in this restaurant, you know, rather than have that response of, uh, being irritated with the people around me because they are contributing to the noise in the room just as I am, uh, rather than making it somebody else's problem and getting angry about it, and, and blaming, blaming. Others for it. Just recognize what's happening inside. For me, I don't feel, I don't feel regulated. I don't feel safe. I feel threatened. I'm having some anxiety here. And so what, anxiety, this is something I've been talking about lately too. It seems like anxiety is like an alarm that's trying to get my attention and tell me that something needs to be adjusted, something needs to happen. And, and if we stay with the same, uh, metaphor that I just used of the coffee shop, that's too noisy. Uh. Rather than storming out or never going there again or whatever, just noticing that in this moment my nervous system is dysregulated and I need to have something change so I can come back into regulation. So I can come back into self-awareness and, and, and, uh, and come back into, uh, the best version of myself that I can be.

Marty: Right it's. The friction I guess, that I'm feeling and I have, and I can tell you stories, actual stories of my experience, right in that moment when I don't feel regulated to, to come back with a very regulated response to moderate the situation. That's what it's most challenging. And so I'm kind of just asking for you to help us. Give us a leg

Bill: Oh yeah, boy, what, what a great point. And you're right, it absolutely is. If it goes that far, that, you know, another example of this is road rage. You know, having somebody catch you off on the road, it, you know, my, my parts immediately wanna really, really get angry at somebody. That scares me. Uh, even when nothing really happens, nothing bad happened, but somebody cuts me off in traffic. First thing I feel, and I don't hardly even notice, this is fear, but the thing I notice is, uh, just this tsunami wave of anger that comes on and wants to slam on the gas and tailgate. The guy that just cut me off and honk on the horn and flash my lights, and if I can catch him, then maybe, maybe I'll figure out what to do then. You know, that's too late. All of that is way too late to be able to pause. Something happened even long before somebody cut me off. If I'm in traffic, let's just say, you know, the speed limit around here is 70. No, it isn't. It's, it's, it's 60 in town and then it becomes 70 just before my exit. And, and so I, I push it, you know, on, on days that I, I gotta get somewhere, which I'm. A little embarrassed to admit it, or most days I feel like I, I gotta get somewhere sixty's not fast enough. So I push it to the point where I think I won't get a speeding ticket, but I'll get there faster. And now I'm 69 miles an hour

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: and everybody else is cruising along at 69 miles an hour too. But then there's this guy that thinks that's 69 is too slow, so you know, he brushes by me or she does and, and then takes my lane right in front of me and makes sure that that. I, I don't know if they're trying to make sure, but I get scared about it. If long before that thing happens, I'm recognizing, wow, I'm, I'm breaking the speed limit. I'm putting myself at risk in getting a speeding ticket. I could actually cause an accident. I wonder what's going on inside that. I feel like, like it's so important that I get there 30 seconds faster than if I just went the speed limit or closer to it. Now that, that's the, the time to find out, that's the time to really check in.

Marty: so check

Bill: Yes.

Marty: That's the, that's the first piece is rather than react, check in, why? Why do I wanna react?

Bill: Right,

Marty: What is going on inside me that I want to smash somebody's car? That's

Bill: right.

Marty: What's going

Bill: and like, like we were saying, we're saying here that that's, that's a little too late, hopefully at some point. You know, I, I can remind myself, oh, man, yeah, no, I don't wanna smash anybody's car and I don't want to, I, I don't wanna put myself or or another person in jeopardy here, so I'm gonna back off. And I'm able to do that even if it gets that far. But it's hard to, it's really hard to, because the part of me that wants, whatever it is, revenge or power or control, or I'm gonna show them is in control, has completely flooded me, blended me with its its response. Um, so yeah, checking in earlier, what's going on with my nervous system? What's happening inside right now? What's happening with my breath? What's happening with my nervous system? What's happening with my thinking? And can I, can I just, you know, this is a kind of, as you, as we spoke about, about last week and when we talked about meditation. This is a form of meditation that can happen while I'm driving down the highway at 63, 63 miles an hour, right?

Marty: Yeah, so I, I didn't realize when I moved into a condo that, uh, in a small building, there were only six residential units and three commercial units in this building. So it's not like a 600 person, you know, uh, complex that I would have. crucial role in every decision about this building. Like we own this building together and you know, if, if the water main on the north side is leaking, we all have to decide what to do about that and how it's gonna get paid for, et cetera. And, um. I used to go to those meetings and because I, I don't know how to maintain a building, I was, I was scared. I felt unsafe, and so I would lash out. I would, I would, or I would, you know, say, know, knee jerk things or, you know, I would get upset at people for their behavior really easily the first couple of years, and I knew I didn't like it. I knew this isn't me and I, and. I started to, you know, look at like, what, what, why am I doing this? I don't like my behavior in these meetings. And so then I showed up at the next meeting and I was like much more myself, much more accommodating and compassionate and patient. And um, the woman who was the president at that time, she said, well, you are much more regulated today. That was

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Marty: And, um, it happened last week. We had a meeting and while I was talking, one of the people on the Zoom call in one of the boxes stepped away. And I could hear her talking loudly with somebody else in that room, and it was still coming through. I couldn't hear myself. when she came back, I, I said something nasty about, rah rah, rah, don't do that. Or, you know, that was very disturbing, or you're not very considerate. I, I don't remember my exact words. I was like, oh, there's that

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: I'm

Bill: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Marty: like. Like, like I was being threatened by her and I had to stop in, you know, in the moment and check in like, what is going on

Bill: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's great that you, you gave those couple of examples of, um, how, how your internal system, your parts, your responded to, um, the state of your nervous system.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: The, in both cases you don't know how to maintain a building, so you're, you're feeling like you don't have enough information. You're, you're, you're scared, you're feeling scared and, but you respond with a show of strength, criticism, anger,

Marty: Right.

Bill: and then in the situation where you're actually the one that's conducting the meeting, someone forgets to mute themselves before they walk away. You're, I'm guessing your nervous system must have been experiencing some fear before they walked away. A fear that you're not gonna do it right, or fear that the meeting's not gonna go well, or fear that whatever, how people are gonna respond is that, check it out. Is that true for you?

Marty: Yeah, it, it was fear that if I don't do this right, we are gonna have to come up with $13,000 to fix

Bill: Yeah. Right. So that wasn't just a hypothetical, that was a real thing. There's a, there's actually a water main that needed to be. Addressed. Yeah. So there was fear around that. And, and so she walks away, she leaves herself unmuted, has a conversation that disturbs the meeting, and you're feeling both powerless. I can't, I can't get her to mute when she's away from the computer. And, and Afraid. Afraid was already there, but maybe you weren't consciously aware of it. And then there's the, the snappiness comes back because again, a show of power, cri criticizing somebody being angry, you know? Uh, uh. Yeah, so that's now interestingly too, this might be back to the dog barking. You felt scared, you snapped at the woman on zoom, the dog felt scared. So snapped or barked at, at the person.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: So what if it's just a biological response? But as human beings, we have the capacity to, to check ourselves on that and just to notice and, and to respond in a different way.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And, and that other way could be several other things, which in the office model would be referred to responding in a self-led way, responding in a way that is, uh, that, that is, uh, supported by the resources of our true inner selves.

Marty: So, and that's why checking in with your nervous system, it works too because you're, you are from self looking at what's going on inside my mind and then my

Bill: Right.

Marty: So you are accessing something other than the, the automatic reactions that mind and body

Bill: Yeah. A question. It could be framed this way for when, when I check in, it could be, okay, who's in there running the show and what, and who is it that they are being right now that they're running the show right now? And they all, with IFS refers to what part of me is at the control panel. IFS doesn't use the control panel, the movie Inside Out does. But I love the metaphor, who's at the control panel operating my emotions and my thoughts, my impulses, and my reactions to what's happening out there. And who it is, who is it that they're being? Are they being self-led ? are they viewing what's happening in my life through a, a lens, um, that has compassion and curiosity and connection, and clarity and courage, or is the part that's influencing me to react to, to the life that I'm experiencing right now? Scared, angry, uh, defending, manipulating, But in some way trying to be in control. Right.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Bill: So by checking in in that way, now I can pause and do you have the Viktor Frankl, uh, quote memorized around that space that, that, that, that pause creates? Uh, I, I, I rarely get it right, so I'm gonna look it up real quick. But it's, there's a, there's between stimulus and response. Some of our listeners might know exactly what I'm about to say. Between stimulus and response is a space, and in that space we have the ability to choose something like that. I'm not finding it right away, but that's the idea. If we can create a space to pause in, we can get choice back. We don't have choice as long as scared, angry, hurtful, hurt, shamed, shaming. Parts of us are in control.

Marty: so for there to be a safe space, let's say at Thanksgiving to discuss politics with your

Bill: When is that ever gonna be safe? That's not safe. Yeah.

Marty: That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So. Somebody in the room has to keep opening that space between stimulus and response and choosing, right?

Bill: each of us are responsible for that. And hopefully somebody in the room does that. And to that degree, we're back to the something we said even before we got onto our topic here, and that is that person is gonna have some charisma. They're gonna have influence in that conversation.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: Here's the, uh, the quote exactly between stimulus and response. There's a space in that. Space is our power to choose our response. And our response lies, our growth and our freedom. So back to our topic. The topic is the safety to be our true, authentic selves.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: and when we're talking about safety, the opposite of that might be threat or danger. And even though. In, in the lives that we're living. If, if we look around and say, am I, am I safe? I'd say, yeah, I've got a roof over my head. The furnace works. I can pay the bills. Nobody's attacking me. And yet my nervous system can be in a state of, of, uh, vigilance, being in the guard, feeling scared, feeling worried, uh, and that's what there is to notice. And to notice that, that there's a misalignment between reality, which is in reality, it appears that I'm safe and, and how, how my nervous system is responding to what apparently is safe, yet something's happening inside that indicates that I'm not.

Marty: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So. As, as you're saying, that what I can count on for myself, I mean, I will practice it, all of that, what I can count on right away is that I know when my, I'm not responding in a way that my, my true self is happy with. You know, when I start being. reactive, snippy, unkind, you know, loud, anything like that. I know this not me, and so I know I might, like you said, need to ask to leave the situation or change something that I feel safe, or I might go deeper and be able to get in touch with what, what got triggered, how, and manage that so that, so they can get back in the conversation. I think in my level of development, you know, it's more than likely gonna be like, whoa, I'm not being my, I I need to like bow

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: I need to just go and, you know, figure this out or, or do something else for a while and, you know, and so, know, I think it's, it's, there's, depending on the level of triggered ness, Like in the HOA meeting, I was able to go woo and come back right there. But there are times when the stimulus is so disturbing that I, I don't, I'm gonna have to put a lot of room between the response that stimulus in order to get to choice.

Bill: there's, I'm thinking of the chapter in, in the Compassionate Results guidebook. Um, it's chapter five, pause to Unblend. And that word unblend is a term that, um. I don't know that I'd ever heard before. I was trained in the IFS model blend. I've heard, but unblend, um, is a word that that means that we recognize that a part has blended with us that's having an, an undue influence or an influence that, that we really would rather not be having.

Marty: Mm-hmm.

Bill: And there are techniques to, to unblend. And one of the first techniques is to notice that there's a part of us that's influence us in influencing us in that particular way. So it might sound like, and even in my own thinking and possibly in my speaking, I'm notice instead of, I'm, I'm really mad right now, I'm really angry. I, all of Bill Tierney is really angry right now, is what that means. But if I say, I'm noticing that there's a part of me that's, that's. I'm really angry and it's blended with me right now. And so I'm angry too. There's a part of me that's blended with me that's feeling angry and so I'm, I'm feeling it's anger that begins to unblend from the part that has the anger and gives me just enough of a space between the influence that's coming from that part and my ability to witness and observe the that influence. And now I've got a little bit of choice. Now what do I wanna do with that? Do I wanna just give myself to that anger? Do, I would just wanna let this part run the show or would I, would I rather, who do I wanna be in this moment?

Marty: Right,

Bill: be

Marty: Yeah.

Bill: I wanna speak from a place of power, but not with threatening anger, and certainly not with hurtful anger. So that's who I wanna be. I wanna speak the truth. I wanna be authentically myself. And I don't want this anger to take over and run the show. So there's a couple of exercises in that chapter. One of 'em is called, um, uh, pausing Practice. This is a pausing practice and it's got 10 steps to it. It's a journaling exercise, and the more you do it, the more you train your internal system to know how, what to do when, when to pause, and what to do when you pause.

Marty: Okay.

Bill: then there's another exercise in there called Practice Unblending. It's, it's just a different exercise for the same thing. So when I pause, if I need to unblend, what do I do? So those are, uh, those are in chapter five of the Compassionate Results and Guidebook. I'm not here to sell the book, but if you wanna buy one, you can get that on Amazon and it'll give you an opportunity to start practicing, facilitating internal safety so you can be your true, authentic self.

Marty: Mm-hmm. And facilitate

Bill: Exactly. You can't do it and you cannot be a, you cannot be a peacemaker if you're not feeling peaceful inside yourself.

Marty: That's right.

Bill: Marty, we do need to get to, we need to get to wrap up. My men's group is waiting for me 14 minutes from now. So, um, any, any last comments you'd like to make before we end?

Marty: if you're like me, it might take a moment regulate, to, to get in that space between stimulus and response and to reach for your, your workbook and so. You know, I, I think a, a beginning step is just to give yourself time. Go a little slower, you know, count to 10 before you respond or say, I'm gonna need to sleep on this and come back tomorrow and

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Marty: it. That's, just, I mean, I'm not, saying that the work that Bill is pointing out that we need to do in between stimulus and response. Might take you a little space a little time, and so, you know, give that to yourself.

Bill: You might have to practice it, so you have to

Marty: you'll, you almost

Bill: practice it based on something that's happened in the past so that when it begins to happen in the present, you'll know what to do.

Marty: Yep.

Bill: Alright, thanks for listening, everybody. Until next week.