Why Long-Term Success in Recovery Isn’t Enough
In the first article in this Three Deep Recovery series, I wrote about why relapse is predictable. In the second article, I wrote about what addiction was trying to manage. This is the third article in the series.
Long-term success in recovery is worth celebrating. It takes courage, commitment, support, and a lot of work to stop drinking, stop using, stop acting out, or stop participating in an addictive process. But long-term success in recovery may not be enough.
What We Usually Mean by Success
Usually, success in recovery means abstinence from a substance like alcohol or narcotics. But it can also mean attendance at Al-Anon or ACoA meetings. It can mean successful cessation of an addictive behavior like sex and love addiction or gambling. It can mean interrupting an addictive process like codependency or toxic relationships.
Something changed. Something stopped. Something became more stable. The addiction or addictive process may no longer be causing the same problems it once caused. That is success, but it may not be the whole of recovery.
What Success May Not Resolve
When people recognize they have a problem with an addiction, the focus is usually on the symptoms. The focus is on all the problems the addiction was causing.
When the addiction is managed, many of those problems are no longer problematic. But then many of the issues addiction had been managing become exposed and apparent. What’s missing are often the same things that were missing before abstinence or addiction management: fulfillment, confidence, connection, purpose, passion, and joy.
If I’m not feeling fulfilled, I may believe I’m just an unhappy person. If I don’t have confidence, I may believe I don’t have the skills or courage others have. If I don’t feel connected to the people in my life, I may believe people don’t like me. If I don’t feel driven, passionate, or creative, I may believe I’m boring, dull, or stupid. If I don’t have joy, I may blame my choices, my relationships, my career, where I live, the economy, or the belief that people like me just don’t get to feel joy.
Why Those Things Were Missing
Why were fulfillment, confidence, connection, purpose, passion, and joy missing before the addiction?
Because of shame.
Shame is a painful belief. It is the belief that something is wrong with me. It is the belief that I am anything less than whole and perfect. We couldn’t work hard enough, dress cool enough, help and please others enough, or accrue enough accolades to overcome the shame.
So even when the addiction is managed, the shame belief may still be running the life.
When Recovery Becomes a Smaller Life
Other addictions may show up. More acceptable addictions like overworking, caretaking, and people pleasing. Hidden addictions like pornography, sex, love, and gambling. Less polarizing addictions like food, nicotine, caffeine, scrolling, gaming, and TV.
We may tell ourselves, “At least I’m not drinking.” “Those other addictions are an outside issue.” “They’re the lesser of evils.” “I’ve already given up enough.” “Nobody can be a saint.”
We may also stay out of relationships, avoid conflict and stress, keep life small, and stay out of the spotlight to avoid the pressure of expectations. We may sponsor several people, live in meetings, bury ourselves in work, and remain focused on responsibilities so we aren’t faced with the terror of intimacy.
From the outside, this may look responsible, sober, and stable. From the inside, we may be suffering quietly. We may be pushing others away. We may be isolating. We may become bitter, judgmental, controlling, unhappy, depressed, and withdrawn from life.
We lose possibilities. Contribution. Authenticity. Capacity.
The Next Layer of Recovery
We don’t have to settle.
The work that helped us manage the addiction is not the same work that needs to be done to access deeper recovery. We may need a bigger toolbox and the on-the-job training that helps us learn new skills and embrace a more compassionate perspective.
The work of deeper recovery is not more self-management. The focus turns now to self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-empowerment.
Shame was installed by any number of circumstances and influences that led us to accept that we are less than whole and perfect. What was installed can be uninstalled.
Long-term success in recovery doesn’t have to be the end of the road. Managing addiction was never the whole of recovery. There is more to understand, more to recover, and more of ourselves still waiting to be reclaimed.
Awareness, curiosity, and compassion are the keys to deeper recovery.
