Three Deep Recovery: What Addiction Was Trying to Manage

In the first article in this series, I wrote that relapse is predictable. Addiction is a strategy used to manage internal discomfort. When we stop the addiction but don’t address the internal discomfort, we either have to feel what the addiction was helping us avoid or find another way to manage it.

That’s why relapse happens. And if relapse includes returning to any addictive strategy used to manage discomfort, relapse happens more often than we think.

This is article two in the Three Deep Recovery series. In this article, we’ll look more closely at what addiction was trying to manage.

Internal discomfort can take many forms. Shame. Fear. Anger. Loneliness. Grief. Pressure. Restlessness. Confusion. The feeling that something inside is not okay.

But discomfort isn’t just something to escape. Discomfort is information. It’s an internal request that something needs attention.

Addiction is a strategy to control and manage what the internal world wants help addressing. Awareness begins to pay attention to that request for attention.

Shame, Fear, and Anger

Shame is a belief. It’s the belief that I am anything less than whole and perfect. From shame come self-judgment, self-criticism, and fear.

Fear is often born from the shame belief. It focuses on what others will think of us, what we may lose if we’re found out, or what might happen if we mess up.

Anger is often born of inequity, unfairness, and unmet needs. Something feels wrong. Something feels unjust. Something in us says this isn’t okay.

These states can be hard to experience. They can feel too intense, too threatening, or too familiar. So we look for relief. We look for escape. We look for something that will change the way we feel.

Substances, Behaviors, and Addictive Processes

Addiction can take the form of mind-altering substances, mind-altering behaviors, and mind-altering processes. And by mind-altering, I also mean nervous-system altering.

A substance is something we use. A behavior is something we do. An addictive process is something we’ve set up, usually unconsciously, as an automation that alters the way we feel and think.

Some addictive processes don’t look like addiction at first. They look like life.

A dysfunctional relationship can become an addictive process. A work situation can become an addictive process. A money pattern can become an addictive process. A life organized around not expecting to be loved can become an addictive process.

The shame belief echoes with ideas about what we deserve and what we can expect from the world. So we’re attracted to people and circumstances that validate those ideas. Those circumstances become a reality that makes our expectations make sense and come to fruition.

If I believe, “I don’t deserve a good life,” I may find myself in relationships where my needs aren’t met or in work I don’t enjoy. If I don’t expect to be loved, I may miss evidence of love and feel safer alone. If I believe, “There’s never enough,” I may spend what I have and never plan for the future.

The addictive process validates the shame belief. It makes life make sense.

The Hidden Payoff

These addictive processes are painful, but they also give us something.

They give us a sense of safety. They give us predictability. They give us a sense of control. They give us the satisfaction of being right. They make life make sense.

They can also support an identity built around being at the mercy of things outside our control. There can even be a twisted pride in the ability to tolerate, endure, and survive unbearable suffering and sorrow.

This is why these patterns are hard to see. They aren’t only causing pain. They’re also helping us manage pain.

Seeing the Pattern

To recognize these addictive processes, we need detached awareness. We need to view our lives through an objective lens.

When we look closely, we begin to see how automatic life is. We begin to realize that we only think we have a choice. We see that we’re going along for the ride and then telling ourselves and others a story about how we chose this life based on what we believe happened and what we believe will happen.

The first thing we notice is our present experience. What’s happening inside? What activates it? How difficult is it to experience the discomfort of this moment? What thoughts do we have about what we’re experiencing? What do we do to escape it?

We may notice shutting down, becoming distracted, feeling agitated, wanting to leave, judging others, self-judgment, self-criticism, or self-shaming.

Trying to stop or control those strategies is self-management. It’s what we already know how to do. Noticing is different. At first, it may be uncomfortable because it’s unfamiliar.

So we start with baby steps. Bring awareness to what’s happening inside once a day. Then twice a day. Notice what shifts with awareness that wouldn’t happen if we automatically managed ourselves.

We might relax. The discomfort and inner distress might ease.

Then we begin to understand something important. The discomfort needed our attention. That’s why it was uncomfortable.

Addiction tried to manage the request. Awareness begins to hear it.

As awareness grows, addiction becomes less of an enemy to defeat and more of a strategy to understand. Our relationship with addiction becomes less polarized and moves toward compassion, curiosity, and understanding.

It starts making sense.

In the next article in this series, we’ll continue following what becomes possible when we stop only managing discomfort and begin paying attention to what it wants us to understand.