Preferences Exiled

When Wanting Becomes Unsafe

Last week, something familiar surfaced in a coaching session with a client.

She described being called spoiled as a child if she refused to eat her peas or asked for something she hadn’t already been given. Wanting something different was framed as ingratitude. Asking was met with shame.

As she spoke, I noticed how often I’ve been hearing versions of this story lately. And I recognized it immediately.

I grew up with the same message. If I expressed a preference, it meant I was ungrateful or entitled. I learned quickly that wanting something, and especially naming that want out loud, came with consequences. So I stopped asking.

When children are shamed or punished for expressing desires, preferences, or needs, something predictable happens. They learn to comply. They learn to anticipate. They learn to silence themselves in order to stay safe. Preferences don’t disappear. They get buried.

What Gets Buried Doesn’t Go Away

When we learn that having a preference is not acceptable, we don’t stop wanting. We stop expressing. Over time, that self-suppression becomes organized internally.

There is often a whole community of protective strategies built around the pain of being shamed for wanting. Shame gets pushed out of awareness. So does disappointment. So does grief.

To keep those feelings exiled, other strategies step in. An inner voice that says don’t ask. A manager that anticipates everyone else’s needs. A part that complies automatically. Sometimes a rebel that insists on getting what it wants without negotiation. Sometimes ways of escaping or numbing the quiet ache of dissatisfaction.

These strategies make sense. They are driven by fears of rejection, criticism, and disappointment. They are not flaws. They are intelligent adaptations.

The cost, over time, is disconnection. From ourselves. From our partners. From joy. From a felt sense of direction.

How This Shows Up in Adult Relationships

I can see this pattern clearly in my own life.

In my first marriage, I was afraid to ask for what I wanted. I didn’t feel worthy of having my preferences valued, and I was afraid of rejection. My strategy was to anticipate her needs and preferences and hope she would do the same for me. That way, I wouldn’t have to risk asking.

She didn’t often ask for what she wanted either. We both stayed quiet.

Over time, resentment grew. Unspoken needs have a way of doing that.

When Preferences Feel Like Demands

In my second marriage, the pattern flipped. My wife openly expressed her dissatisfaction with her life. To her, she was dreaming out loud. To me, it landed as complaint and demand.

I remember standing in Costco while she talked about wanting an expensive patio set. I was already working three jobs and struggling to pay the bills. Her desire activated a familiar belief inside me. I am responsible for your happiness, and I am failing.

Even though she said she didn’t expect me to make her dreams come true, I didn’t believe her. I heard her preferences as criticism. The more she wanted, the more inadequate and resentful I felt.

In both marriages, the same two beliefs were operating underneath everything.

It’s not okay to have a preference.
It’s my responsibility to make you happy.

That combination reliably leads to resentment and disconnection.

The Belief Beneath the Pattern

At the core of this pattern is often a quieter, more painful belief. I don’t deserve. Or, I’m not worthy of wanting.

When preferences are framed as selfish or spoiled, people don’t just give up asking. They lose contact with desire itself. Decision-making becomes confusing. People defer. They people-please. They work hard to meet others’ needs. Or they swing to the opposite extreme and insist on having things their way.

The predictable outcomes include anxiety, depression, addiction, and chronic dissatisfaction.

Preferences and desires are not character flaws. They are part of being human. They reflect an internal guidance system that is unique to each of us. Over time, that system points toward our gifts, our energy, and our purpose.

When we disconnect from it, we suffer.

A Small Turning Point

The day I left my second marriage, I stayed alone in a motel. I chose it because it felt right to me. I knew my choice would have been criticized before. That night, I noticed something surprising.

It felt good to have a preference.

It also felt rebellious.

The next day, I went apartment shopping and chose based on where I wanted to live, affordability, and how it felt to be there. No permission. No justification. Just choice.

Reactive Preference vs Grounded Choice

It took years to come into balance. At first, honoring preferences sometimes came from anger or resistance. Over time, something calmer emerged.

I learned the difference between reacting against control and choosing from agency.

The difference is felt. Calm versus urgency. Considered choice versus impulse. Balance versus emotional charge.

Where to Begin

For someone who learned early on that having preferences was unsafe, the first step is not action. It is awareness.

Begin noticing activations around preferences.

What do you want for dinner?
Do you defer automatically?

Let’s go to this restaurant.
Do you agree while feeling tight inside?

Do you insist, go quiet, or become indirect?

Notice what happens inside and outside. What you think. What you feel. What you actually do or say. Set an intention to notice without judging yourself.

That alone is a complete first step.

Why Awareness Is Enough

Awareness works because there are parts of us that are trying to keep us safe. These parts do what makes sense based on what they know. When what they know is outdated, based on strategies and rules formed in the past, their efforts to help can actually get in the way.

As awareness increases, those same parts begin to change organically. You don’t have to force yourself to change. Simply bring more awareness to your experience.

If one part begins to shift, it may activate others. Recognizing years of deferring or people pleasing can wake up anger or insistence. Notice that too. Curiosity is the skill here.

Over time, new skills may be needed, such as learning to speak non-violently or tending to parts that need more resources and support. This is where working with an IFS-informed therapist, coach, or practitioner, or joining a practice group, can be especially helpful.

What This Is Really About

We all have an internal guidance system that points us toward our preferences and our purpose. When either is denied, suffering follows.

It is common to deal with that suffering by distracting, numbing, or shutting down. These strategies reduce pain temporarily, but they create more suffering over time.

Low-level discomfort is often the first signal that something needs attention.

Do we need to speak our truth?
Do we need to voice a preference or opinion?
What fears arise?
How risky does it feel?

Are those fears aligned with present reality, or are they being triggered from unresolved and incomplete experiences from the past?

When we slow down enough to notice, we create the possibility of resolving the past so we can show up more fully, more powerfully, and more self-expressed in the present moment.