Boundaries Begin Inside
The Challenge with Setting Boundaries
Gerald was waiting for me when I signed on to Zoom for our coaching session. He dispensed with warm-up greetings and got right down to business.
“Tell me about boundaries,” he said. There was something in his demeanor that told me he felt frustrated.
“Okay. Well, hmm. Can you give me some context? What is it about boundaries you want to talk about?” I asked.
“What are they? How do you get them? What do you do with them once you have them? How do I honor them?” he said, air-quoting the word, “honor.”
“Let’s slow it down, Gerald,” I suggested. “What happened?”
“We had another meeting with HR this week,” he began. “This time they wanted to talk with us about healthy boundaries. They were talking about things like giving people their own space and respecting each other. Apparently someone got their feelings hurt and I think the company is worried about a lawsuit.”
“Healthy boundaries” got the air quotes this time.
“You seem a little upset by this,” I observed.
“I am!” he said. “It’s like they were accusing me…I mean us of something and I have no idea what I…I mean we might have done.”
“No idea?” I asked. Something told me he had some idea of what “they” might have done.
“It might be the new guy, I suppose.”
I waited.
“There’s a new guy. He just irritates me. He’s just so…friendly.” Gerald stopped talking. He was thinking. I waited. “I think I probably got a little irritated with him when he came into my office for the umpteenth time to ask me another dumb question. I’ve got things to do and every time he came in, I had to stop what I was doing, so I told him I didn’t have all the answers and to go ask someone else. I could tell he was surprised. But it worked. He stopped interrupting me. Problem solved.”
“But you’re talking about it with me in our coaching session so what is the problem that isn’t solved?” I asked.
“I think the company wants me to be really productive but they also want me to drop everything to be nice to the new guy, or to stop working and go sing happy-freaking-birthday in the break room two or three times a month. And then there’s all these stupid worthless boring meetings. I just want to do my job. I’d be a lot happier if they would just leave me alone and let me focus on work.”
What Gerald Wanted From Boundaries
Gerald started our conversation asking me about boundaries. He seemed to feel blamed for how things were going and pressured to change.
“You asked me to tell you about boundaries, Gerald. What are you hoping understanding boundaries will accomplish?” I asked.
He thought about my question. After a pause, he answered, “If I knew about boundaries, maybe I’d know how to get along better with people. I can’t seem to escape them. There are people everywhere. And maybe HR would get off my back. And maybe I could start setting some boundaries of my own!”
“If you could set a boundary at work, what would it be?” I asked.
“First thing I’d do? I’d close my door so I could get something done. Then I’d say ‘no thanks’ to birthdays. I’d learn how to leave work after I had my eight hours in. And I’d stop taking work home with me,” Gerald answered.
“How did that feel, Gerald?” I asked.
“How did what feel?”
“How did it feel to declare what you want?” I clarified.
“Great! That’s what I want! But…” he ended his sentence.
“But?”
“But I don’t know how to set those boundaries. What? Do I just shut my door? Stop going to the breakroom for birthdays? Walk out after eight hours and stop taking work home with me?” He seemed to want me to understand just how ridiculous this all sounded.
“What stops you from doing all that?” I asked.
The Inner Conflict Under the Boundary
I could see Gerald was uncomfortable and maybe a little angry with me, but he was paying attention so I continued.
“Clearly there are problems at work. But I’m not sure how many of these problems are actually being caused by work. Work situations challenge you because they cause inner conflict for you.
Notice the parts of you that get triggered at work. There’s a part that wants people to like you. But there’s a part that is impatient and irritated with people and that part stops you from being friendly. Right?” I asked.
“Right. And there’s a part of me that doesn’t want people to talk about me behind my back and a part that is angry when they do,” Gerald continued. “There’s a part that resents working past eight hours a day and taking work home, but another part that thinks they expect me to and worries I’ll get fired if I don’t.”
“And that is the hard thing about setting your own boundaries isn’t it Gerald?” I asked. “You have parts inside that are conflicted so you don’t set boundaries until you’re so frustrated that people are offended or hurt because your inner conflict spills out on them.”
“I get it. If I can resolve my inner conflict, I can practice negotiating for what I want and don’t want at work,” Gerald concluded. “So let’s get to work.”
“Great!” I said, “Which of these parts needs your attention first?”
Boundaries expose inner conflict
When we struggle to set boundaries, we think of the problem as something external we have to deal with. If only they’d stop interrupting, asking too much, expecting too much. If only they’d respect me, my space, my time, my privacy, my energy, and my preferences.
And sometimes that’s exactly what needs to happen. But it’s hard to set boundaries because of something internal. Like every other person on the planet, we have parts. Parts that get irritated, parts that fear conflict and judgment, parts that want to skip the breakroom cake break, and parts that judge others for wasting time on such trivialities.
With all the internal conflict, it’s hard to communicate in a way that is respectful and effective.
A boundary is not always a wall
A boundary doesn’t always have to sound like, “NO,” or “STOP.”
It can sound like a commitment that you make to yourself and a clear and specific communication to others. For example, “I will not take work calls or respond to work-related texts until after 6:00 pm. I will check messages left after hours during the next business day.”
When you imagine setting this boundary, what happens inside? If something tightens up, you’ve found the reason you haven’t set this boundary yet or that your attempts haven’t been taken seriously. Understand the parts of you that react to communicating this way and you will be well on your way to solving the problem.
A boundary can sound like, “When I have a deadline to meet, I will close my door. Or, I will tell anyone who asks for my time that I am open for requests when I have met the deadline.”
Again, what happens inside when you imagine closing the door or setting this limit?
Owning Your Boundaries
The ability to know your boundaries and to clearly communicate them requires that you own them – you take full responsibility for them. When you blame someone else for your boundaries; “He doesn’t respect me,” you give away your power and choice. That’s why blame feels so bad.
But when you use your internal discomfort as a signal to get curious about that discomfort, clarity about your own preferences, concerns, and needs can emerge. It becomes easier to state your boundaries as what you will do, what you’re available for, what you’re not available for, and what you’re willing to discuss.
Boundaries are less about control and more about relationship and clear communication.
Clarity Before Communication
I didn’t give Gerald a script to use. I helped him get curious about his own internal conflict. What he discovered was that the parts of him that were in conflict were running the script for him. Once he had internal clarity, he could ask for what he wanted earlier, more directly, and with less blame and angry energy.
Boundaries do not begin with controlling other people. They begin with noticing what is happening inside, understanding the parts of us that are afraid to speak clearly, and taking responsibility for what we want and what we are available for. When we do that, boundaries become less reactive. They become cleaner, clearer, and easier for others to understand.
