The Hidden Power of Shame and How to Break Its Hold

Growing up, I often heard, “You should be ashamed of yourself” when something I had done was judged as wrong or unacceptable. When this message came from my parents and teachers, I believed them. Being told I should be ashamed was so painful that I scrambled to understand what I had done so I never again had to feel the pain of being shamed.

Shaming is a powerful tool because it is such a painful emotion. Shaming another into modifying their behavior can be an efficient strategy for control. My parents had seven children. They were often overwhelmed by the responsibility of feeding, sheltering, and clothing all of us. They too were shamed as children.

Martha Sweezy, an Internal Family Systems author and trainer wrote, “Children can bear bad things happening, but they don’t know how to bear the idea that they are bad.”

Once a child agrees that they should be ashamed, they must find a reason that they should be ashamed. They might, for example, conclude that they are bad. As the child grows older, “I am bad” becomes “I’m such an idiot. I’m so selfish. I am stupid. I am worthless. I’m not enough. I’m too much. I’m not lovable. I’m not worth caring for and worse.”

These are internal beliefs that impact relationships for the rest of their lives unless the beliefs are changed.

Kevin wants to borrow one of Joe’s tools. But Joe needs his tools for his trade and can’t afford to lose any of them. So he tells Kevin no, he cannot borrow one of his tools.

Kevin tells Joe that he is selfish. Joe gets angry at Kevin and tells him he is rude.

Both Kevin and Joe agree that being selfish is bad. Someone who is selfish is bad. They also agree that being rude is bad. Someone who is rude is bad. People who aren’t selfish or rude are acceptable. People who are selfish or rude aren’t acceptable.

Both Kevin and Joe have learned how to navigate being shamed. They have learned to bully others with shame. But shaming someone is just one of the strategies that can be used to avoid being shamed.

Another example of shaming is the use of the word “should.” You should, I should, they shouldn’t, he should, I shouldn’t. Should equals shaming.

Children try to be good to overcome being bad. Or they hide to avoid being shamed, believing that if they minimize exposure, they will be shamed less often.

And there is no magical age when the strategies of a child disappear. We don’t just get older and stop feeling shame. We don’t automatically become immune to shame and shaming.

So what is there to do about the beliefs and behaviors that have been developed over a lifetime of shame and shaming?

Stuart Smalley from Saturday Night Live looked in the mirror and used affirmations to make himself feel better. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” But affirmations only argue with programmed beliefs. They cannot overcome them.

Changing shame-based beliefs can break the shame cycle. When children are shamed, parts of themselves are relegated to the job of hiding the pain associated with the shame while other parts work hard to overcome what they have come to believe is shameful about them.

When these shame-based beliefs are debunked, there is no place for shaming to land. When the adult who was shamed as a child no longer agrees that they should be ashamed, they are no longer vulnerable to being shamed. The unashamed individual cannot be controlled by shame because it doesn’t get in.

Looking Inside

The beliefs formed through shame rarely disappear on their own. They continue to live inside as voices, reactions, and emotional responses that shape how we experience ourselves and others.

Most people try to deal with shame by arguing with these beliefs, hiding from situations that might trigger them, or trying harder to prove they are good enough. These strategies may bring temporary relief, but they rarely reach the parts of us that first absorbed the shame.

Healing shame requires something different. It requires turning toward the parts of us that learned to carry these painful messages and understanding what happened to them.

Internal Family Systems offers a way to do exactly that.

How Internal Family Systems Helps Heal Shame

Internal Family Systems offers a practical way to work with shame rather than arguing with it.

In IFS, the painful beliefs formed in childhood are carried by parts. These parts developed when shame was overwhelming and needed to be managed. Some parts hold the painful experience of being shamed. Other parts try to prevent that pain from happening again.

Imagine that Joe from the earlier example notices how angry he felt when Kevin called him selfish. If he pauses and becomes curious, he may discover something important inside.

One part of him feels the sting of shame. That part remembers what it felt like to be told he was selfish, bad, or not good enough when he was younger. Being called selfish touches that same wound.

Another part reacts quickly with anger. Its job is to push the accusation away before the shame can land. Anger becomes protection.

Instead of arguing with the accusation or trying to prove he isn’t selfish, Joe can turn his attention inward.

He might notice the angry part and appreciate how quickly it stepped in to defend him. As that part feels understood, it may relax enough for Joe to sense the more vulnerable part underneath that carries the shame.

When that younger, shamed part is met with curiosity and compassion, something important happens. It no longer has to hide the pain alone. The part begins to realize that the messages it absorbed long ago were never the truth about who it was.

As these parts are understood and supported, the beliefs they carry begin to loosen. The internal system no longer needs to work so hard to defend against shame.

Over time, a person becomes less vulnerable to shame from others because the parts inside no longer agree with the old accusations. When someone says, “You should be ashamed,” there is no longer a part inside that accepts the verdict.

Shame loses its power when the parts that carried it are finally understood.

Living Without the Weight of Shame

When the parts that carry shame are understood and cared for, something fundamental begins to change.

The beliefs that once felt like facts begin to loosen. The internal voices that said “I am bad,” “I am not enough,” or “I am too much” are revealed as messages that were absorbed during painful moments in childhood. They were attempts by the system to make sense of experiences that were overwhelming at the time.

As these parts are met with compassion and curiosity, they no longer need to carry the burden alone. The system becomes less organized around avoiding shame and more organized around understanding and care.

This changes how a person moves through the world.

Someone can be told they are selfish, rude, or wrong, and instead of collapsing into shame or attacking in return, they can pause and consider the feedback. They can decide what is true, what is not, and how they want to respond.

Their worth is no longer determined by accusations or judgments.

Shame loses its power when the parts inside no longer accept the role of being “the bad one.” What replaces it is a growing capacity for clarity, compassion, and self-respect.

And from that place, a person is free to live, relate, and choose differently.