What Blocks Access to the Capacity You Already Have?

Becoming Curious About What Happens Before You Lose Access

In the last article, we explored the difference between having the capacity to be with internal distress and having access to that capacity in any particular moment. You may already have experienced both. At times, you can notice what is happening inside, stay with it and experience some relief or spaciousness. At other times, something happens quickly and automatically, and before you realize it, you are back to managing yourself again.

This is where deeper recovery can become especially interesting. Instead of treating those moments as evidence that you are doing something wrong, they can become opportunities to learn more about what happens inside you. The question becomes, “What was happening just before I lost access to the capacity I know I have?”

Following Your Experience Backward

Imagine that someone says something to you that you experience as criticism. Almost immediately, you tighten up inside and feel an urge to withdraw, so you do. Perhaps you become quiet, leave the room or emotionally distance yourself from the other person.

A little later, you become aware of what happened and recognize that withdrawing was a strategy you used to manage the tightness you were experiencing.

You can begin again right there.

You might bring your attention back to what is happening inside and notice that some of the tightness is still present. As you become curious about it, you may begin to review what happened. When did the tightness begin? What was going on at the time? What did you experience just before you felt the urge to withdraw?

Perhaps you recognize that the tightness appeared when the other person said something you experienced as criticism.

Now you have learned something about your experience. When you felt criticized, something happened inside, your body tightened, an urge to withdraw followed, and you acted on that urge.

You can simply notice the sequence.

Your Experience Gives You Something to Work With

This kind of awareness can reveal what was happening at the moment you lost access to your capacity to remain present with your experience.

In this example, the tightness was there when access became more difficult. That makes the tightness worth noticing the next time it appears. You may eventually begin to recognize it sooner, perhaps even before you withdraw.

The same kind of sequence can happen in many different ways. You might feel something in your stomach before becoming defensive, notice pressure in your chest before reaching for food, experience restlessness before picking up your phone or become aware of an uncomfortable thought just before you begin trying to distract yourself.

The point is to become increasingly familiar with your own experience.

As you do, you may begin to recognize patterns that have been happening for years, often so quickly that you had little awareness of them.

Awareness Changes the Experience

Something else can happen as you bring awareness to what you are experiencing in the present moment.

In the example of feeling criticized, you may notice that as you become curious about the tightness, it begins to loosen. Perhaps your breathing becomes easier, your body softens or you experience a little more room around what you are feeling. You may feel lighter, more spacious and more free.

That shift is useful information.

You brought your attention back to your present experience, and as awareness returned, your experience began to change.

This gives you another way to recognize that the skill of self-awareness is developing. You begin to know what it feels like when your attention has moved away from the present moment, and you also begin to recognize what happens when you return.

Learning Your Own Patterns

Over time, you can become increasingly interested in the moments when you lose access to the capacity you have already discovered.

What happens in your body? What thoughts appear? What emotions are present? What urges or impulses follow? What was happening around you when the shift occurred?

These questions are invitations to observe rather than conclusions about what your experience means. The answers come through paying attention.

With practice, you may begin to recognize the sequence earlier. You may notice the tightening before the withdrawal, the insecurity before the defensiveness or the restlessness before the distraction. Each time you notice, you have another opportunity to bring awareness to what is happening inside and return to the present moment.

Deeper Recovery Can Feel Very Different

Four articles ago, we began with a question that many people who have been in recovery for a long time may understandably ask: If I have already tried everything, does deeper recovery simply mean that I have to work even harder?

The experiences we have explored since then point toward a very different way of approaching recovery.

You can shift attention from managing yourself to becoming aware of yourself. You can discover your capacity to be with internal distress. You can expect that access to that capacity will sometimes be interrupted, and you can become curious about what is happening when that occurs. Each time you return your attention to your present experience, you continue developing awareness and learning more about yourself.

And as awareness returns to the present moment, you may increasingly experience the relief, spaciousness, ease and freedom that come with being fully present with what is happening inside you.

Perhaps that is one of the most important differences between working harder at recovery and going deeper into recovery. As your awareness develops, you gain greater access to the present moment, and the present moment is where ease and flow become available.